Think Big

16. This number still haunts me. I am a size 16 on top and a 12 below. I have a big butt, fat thighs, and of course, a bloated tummy. Here's my mistake...I didn't look after myself after giving birth. Until today, I regretted not looking after myself. Didn't care to listen to the mid wife. Stupid move as I had actually lost a lot of weight during pregnancy. Now I suffer for my own error. I have tried dieting. You name it, I've tried it. Atkins, Herbalife, even taken the diet pill. When my daughter turned 2, I was at my heaviest. I had given up on looking after myself. I didn't care to dress up. I didn't care about myself. Then the big D happened. It was my own choice to leave him. Because I wasn't slim, because I wasn't good looking, people assumed he left me for another woman. And it was then that I realized that I needed to change. It is that perception that pushed me to look after myself. A few months after the divorce, I lost a good 18kg, but it wasn't enough. Sadly, I am still there. Yes, I've put on as well, and lost it again. But I can't seem to shed off more. I haven't given up on that. And I will still try.

But instead of sulking or hide behind my weight, I chose to just think big. Big with confidence. Big with dignity. No doubt, until today, I am still bullied by the likes of men. Shallow men who looks at arm candy. Women who thinks highly of their own appearance. And even by pondans whom probably was bullied as a child. Yes, I still face them today, especially at work. But that has not deterred me to keep striving to make myself better. I know that there are people who genuinely loves me, respects me, and looks up to me. So, when I get dress, it is for those that matters, and it is for myself. I am fat, I never denied that. I want to lose weight. But it is not for those shallow people. I want to lose weight for health reasons. I want to lose weight to live longer. I want to lose weight for my daughter. To live to see her married off and make children of her own. And I always tell myself to ignore those stupid comments from shallow people. And when I dress well, those haters become invisible to me. When I dress well, I know my presence is felt. When I dress well, I know I am admired. May not be by everyone. But by those who matters.

You don't need to wear expensive clothes to dress well. You don't need designer labels to feel confident. In fact, once you've mastered it, you will make cheap clothes look expensive. Learn to carry yourself better and you will exude confidence. We're not all lucky enough to be brimming with confidence at every moment, but there are ways to appear more confident. And that's by dressing well. Hence why I decided to start this blog.

I know so many women who has given up, and just complained and whined. Often it isn't their weight that pulls them back, but instead it is that lack of confidence. So many complained that it is difficult for them to find good clothes. A majority just chose to wear those big butterfly kaftans. When I googled plus sizes, there aren't that many sites that offers advise. They just sell ugly clothes to fat girls. Because to them, fat girls don't know how to dress, so design won't matter. Because fat girls can't fit into trendy styles, so they'll just settle for less. Fat girls don't have the desire to look good, that's why they're fat. Stop thinking that way! I look at the choices available, and I cringe.

I've been told I look good, despite my weight. Some even asked for my opinion about clothes, even by slim friends. I must be doing something right, no? So, here I am hoping to be able to share with you options. To explore and discover stores that sells "confidence" and maybe, just maybe shut every one of those shallow mouths. How am I doing so far?